Chinese Version:Here!

Raistlin's mailbox


TO: Raist 
CC: Tanis & Laurana ,
Riverwind & Goldmoon ,
Dalamar ,
Kitiara ,
FROM: Caramon 
SUBJECT: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Re: Top Ten Bunny Jokes...
"That great idiot!" 
Caramon, I have told you time and again to remove my name from
your moronic mass emails.  This is the last straw.  If I receive one
more article purporting to reveal the whereabouts of Claire or
listing one hundred things to do with a dead centaur, I will
permanently subscribe you to the "Gnomish Mailing List Describing All
Kinds of Mechanical Problems And How We Have Managed To Solve Them
Using Simple Objects Found Lying Around the House In Untidy And
Unused Piles" etc.

And no more Blue Mountain greeting cards!  If I hear one more MIDI
version of "My Heart Will Go On," I will cast a fireball on you
personally! Again!


SUBJECT: Annual Yuletide Bake-Off

Greetings, brothers and sisters in magic,

Due to the success of our Summer Fireball Chili Cookoff, we are
now planning a Yuletide baking contest.  All mages of any of the
Orders are invited to enter, providing they have passed the Test.
Some basic rules need apply:

1. All baked goods must be edible. No poisonous ingredients
are allowed, nor items such as bat guano, sand, or fur.
2. Catgories include cakes, pies, bread, cookies,
and "unclassifiables."
3. You must include a copy of the recipe with your entry.  Recipes
may be written in Common, elvish, or the language of magic.
4. Only one entry per household, please.
5. All entries must be BAKED. A 'detect magic' spell will be cast on
all items to insure fairness.
6. Transport your entry to the Tower of High Sorcery in Wayreth,
first floor lobby, by noon on December 20, at which time the judges
will make their selections.

Winners will receive:
GRAND PRIZE: All-expense-paid trip to Old Library in Tarsis
FIRST PLACE: 500 steel piece gift certificate at Lemuel's Mageware
SECOND PLACE: 10 lbs of sulphur from Sanction Brimstone Company
THIRD PLACE: One year subscription to "Sorcerous Homes & Gardens"

All contestants will receive a "First Annual Tower of Wayreth Bake-
Off" T-shirt.

"DALAMAR! Do we still have those cookie sheets, or did they
get destroyed when the kolaches caught fire?"

"We have none left, Shalafi.  Shall I seek out another one?"

"Better get two or three. Get some Nestle chips too. And while
you're out, pick up some two-liters of Diet Coke. DIET COKE,
I said. No more Fresca!"

"Yes, Shalafi." 

SUBJECT: Re: A proposed trip

Dear Raistlin,

Thank you very much for meeting with me recently.  I truly
enjoyed speaking with you.

> would be leaving sometime this spring.  You do not need to
> concern yourself with airfare or accomodations.  I believe that
> you will find this journey quite enlightening.

I appreciate your kind offer.  I must consider this, and of
course, I must speak with Elistan about taking vacation time from

I hope you are well.  Please keep in touch.

Yours in Paladine's light,
Revered Daughter Crysania
SUBJECT: Your order of November 17, 353

Dear Raistlin Majere,

The following items were out of stock and will be backordered.
They should arrive within 6-8 weeks.

QTY      ITEM NO.      DESCR                  PRICE     
1      433-978      Rage Against the Machine      14 steel pieces
1      567-934      Hellraiser: Soundtrack            14 steel pieces
1      236-835      Britney Spears (GIFT SELECTION)      14 steel pieces

TO: Raistlin Majere 
SUBJECT: You are a sniveling worm

Dear Mr. Majere,

It has come to my attention that you have been attacking me widely on
Usenet, flaming me in every newsgroup from alt.dragons.evil to to rec.arts.military.krynn-domination, despite the
fact that I have in the past been so good as to give you the Key, and
allowed you to live, at the behest of Fistandantilus, when otherwise
you would have perished.

Usually, I am forgiving of my attackers.  I am, after all, a goddess,
and so I do not pay heed to the puny and pathetic whinings of mortals
who are unhappy with the fact that I have held my position from the
dawn of time, and will hold it until the end.

However, the personal nature of this Usenet-wide flaming campaign has
caused me to report your actions to your ISP, which has assured me
that a warning will be sent to you within 24 hours, and any failure
to comply with your TOS will result in your account being

I am further aware that you seek to accost me in RL, but I doubt that
will ever happen, you scrawny, hacking, Micro$oft-addled luser.  You
haven't the nerve to meet anyone face-to-face, and no doubt seek to
cover your own inadequacies by hiding behind your Internet persona.

Takhisis, Queen of Darkness

My Queen,

Your bluffing reveals only your fear.  I do not have an ISP, as my
servants within the Tower are quite skilled in maintaining our
servers on their own.  If you knew the least bit about the Internet,
too, you would know that hiding behind a Hotmail address is futile
against the IP-tracking skills of a spectral undead guardian.  As
for being Microsoft-addled, I bet you have Mr. Gates chained to a
wall right now, unable to resist his nerdish charms!

Your game is up, "Tacky!" Nonetheless, I will cease flaming, since it
appears to upset you, and I would not want you to fall before my
might in any more distress than you must.

Raistlin Majere, your soon-to-be-replacement

SUBJECT: Live Free XXX Webcast

Cursed with magically enhanced vision? Prone to seeing decaying
flesh where you should see hot, sexy women?  We have something
that'll really starch your robe!

No Magical Glasses of Ogling Writhing Naked Sluts necessary!

"I think not."